My anxiety has been on overdrive lately. As hard as I try to keep it at bay, I can feel a meltdown simmering. Think of this as a therapy post for me, and a pathetic, boring one for you.
A baby? I'm having a hard time grasping the very basic idea that we're having a baby in a few months ... and that he's going to be our responsibility. Forever. I didn't deal much with my siblings when they were babies. I remember my youngest sister as a baby, but did nothing more than pull her from her crib once in awhile when she got the frantic "get me out of this jail cell" look. My Mom was Super Mom and took care of everything. I wish I would have done more to help out. Maybe then I'd feel a little more prepared. The poor kid is going to get plenty of blank stares from Mom when he's crying and I don't have the faintest idea how to fix him.
Finances. This is always a concern and somehow we've managed to this point. I have no idea how we'll make ends meet once the baby arrives. I'm hoping to stay home or work very part-time once we move back to Washington, but I don't know if that's feasible. I detest the idea of putting a child in daycare. Having willing family and friends help out once in awhile is one thing. Daycare is another... and out of the question.
Moving. I get super psychotic and stressed when it's time for a move. We never moved growing up. Not even once. I've moved a couple times since being out of my parent's house, but it still feels like a new and unnecessary experience to me every time. We'll be moving twice this year. One of those being in a little over a month. I feel completely useless with the process since I can't do any heavy lifting this time around. Don't worry, this totally makes the stressful part 10 times worse.
In addition to these rational fears - I've been having a slew of other irrational fears. I try not to feed into them, but my subconscious is a little more accommodating and often goes there when I'm sleeping. The most recent example:
Appearance. Obviously outer beauty has taken a hit. A pretty severe one. Day by day my body is becoming more distorted and awkward. I'm tired all the time and most times leave the house looking like the walking dead. Makeup wouldn't even begin to help this mess. Last night I had a horrible dream that my husband met a girl at the Institute in Bellingham and that he was leading a double life while devising a plan of how to get rid of me. I know the dream was mostly unfounded (**he has to have days where he reminisces about single life, before he had a cranky wife criticizing his every move), but I woke up feeling awful. Who wants to think about their husband leading a double life, especially someone like Alex who works overtime to live morally?
I'll be pleased once the vivid dreams stop and I can muster some state of mental normalness, which isn't saying much.
On a more productive note, Alex is taking his WEST-B test as I type. This is one of the requirements for admission to the Masters in Teaching program at Western. I was so pleased to get a call from him this morning on his way to the testing center - bright and early with time to spare! Thank you Teri/Maren/Steve for getting him there. It sounds like he's having a great time in Washington and has had some excellent weather to boot. I won't lie, I'm a little (or a lot) jealous, but I'm glad he was able to make the trip alone. He's needed a vacation for awhile. I hope re-entry isn't too hard on him.
I'm going to take myself on a date today. I've wanted to see the new Wolverine movie since it came out. Alex saw it while I was in Washington and said he'd go again with me to fulfill a promise, but I'd really rather go alone and not waste the money since he didn't really enjoy it the first time. He did, however, love the new "Star Trek" movie. Maybe I should see that one. I've heard it's great for Trekkies and non-Trekkies alike. Or there's the new Pixar movie, "Up". So many choices. One thing's for sure, I am going to a movie this afternoon and I will have the biggest box of Dots I can find. They sound so good right now!
Have a great weekend everyone...
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6 comments:
I hear you on the anxieties, although I'm not quite in the same boat as you yet. :) This is where the faith comes in, as Niklas has told me before, but I still find that that doesn't totally squelch the worries. As long as you have some sort of planning for the finances, as in savings for the baby, etc. it will make a huge difference. I am trying to save up each month for the "pregnancy fund" and just knowing we are doing something makes me feel a ton better about it. But...in your case, take one day at a time. :) This time is going to be stressful in the beginning, but I know things will gradually fall into place for you and Alex; and when you'll look back you'll wonder why you worried so much about it. (I need this advice myself, believe me.) Hang in there! I'm so excited for the baby to come in September; but I can wait. :D
I finally got over to read this after we talked. :-) As far as not knowing what to do based on childhood experience, I didn't have much either, being the youngest child in our family. My only baby experiences were from babysitting a little girl from 8 months to 4 years... not the same as having your own. I didn't even like babies all that well. Figured they'd get more interesting when they were old enough to walk and talk.
Once the little guy comes, you'll realize that yes... you don't exactly know what you're doing, but no one will have told the baby. All he'll know is that your voice is the most familiar and comforting one he'll hear and your touch and smell will be soothing. The rest you figure out as you go along. What you can't possibly understand until it's real is how strong your protective instincts will be... and how adorable that child will become to you after you have some bonding time. :-) Even with all of your motherly instincts and possible "powers" ... there will be times the baby will cry despite all your best efforts... and that's probably okay... if he's just tired and cranky. That's about the only way they can express an opinion at that age. ;-)
I'll talk to you later! :-)
Love, Mom
I know what you mean about the dreams! I had a different weird dream every night! always about Tyler leaving me for someone else, or him coming home drunk, or cheating on me in some way... They were not welcomed, and I was so happy when they finally stopped. It is just silly when your mind plays tricks on you like that. Anyway! good luck with the move! And I am super jealous, I wish I could say we will be back to bham sometime soon... but not for at least another 4 years... boo!
listen to your mother! she has very good advice and i second everything she said. you can never fully prepare yourself for having a child. i had no idea what i was doing. it was nothing like babysitting. :) you definitely learn as you go. it will be the hardest yet most rewarding thing you'll ever do. i remember that the first few months i had brooklin, i seriously cried more than she did. i am so glad that i had scott. there's no way i could be a single mother. i am so in love with brooklin and i can't imagine life without her, even if she does drive me batty every once in a while. you'll do great. if i can do it, you definitely can.
and on the dream thing, it must be a pretty common thing when your pregnant because i had dreams like that all the time, and what made it worse was that in the dream scott showed no remorse and was like "yeah, so what." every once in a while i still have 'em, but i think they started when i was pregnant. weird, huh. i wonder what that means.
anyway, we love you and can't wait to see ya!
so i was NEVER a baby person. In fact I am still not,except for my babies. I hated babysitting growing up, except for my siblings and stuff....the phrase "its different when its your own" is VERY true.
also, humans are pretty resistant, if you little man is crying for a some reason and you cant figure out what it is....dont worry he is probably not going to die. typically is either:
A:hungry
B:dirty
C:tired
D:wants mom
I also have a firm testimony that if when you do what the Lord wants, finances always work out. I could be working and making decent money too, but I think I would die putting Lily in day care. Literally die. Its amazing when things seem like they arent going to work out, or we are going to starve something ALWAYS happens. promise. stay at home, you will not regret it.
Feeling pretty is basically impossible from here on out, embrace it:) thats what i have told myself....especially at doc apts when you get weighed?!
wow did you want advice and opinion? cause thats what you just got.
good luck with freaking out! we all do it.
Thank you everyone! I have a feeling I'll be referencing these comments time and time again.
Mom & Karen - It's funny how you know what someone is going to say before they say it, yet you're still so happy to hear it when they do. Thanks!
Bonnie & Liz - I'm glad I'm not the only one having the weird dreams. I just wish we didn't have to have them at all.
Rachel - Thank you for the advice and opinion. I appreciate all of it. And thank you for helping me embrace my new state of frump. I was frumpy before, but getting pregnant kicked it up a notch - or 10. Staying home would be my first option... I just need to figure out how to do it. :)
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