Meltdown In Progress: Proceed with Caution

My anxiety has been on overdrive lately. As hard as I try to keep it at bay, I can feel a meltdown simmering. Think of this as a therapy post for me, and a pathetic, boring one for you.

A baby? I'm having a hard time grasping the very basic idea that we're having a baby in a few months ... and that he's going to be our responsibility. Forever. I didn't deal much with my siblings when they were babies. I remember my youngest sister as a baby, but did nothing more than pull her from her crib once in awhile when she got the frantic "get me out of this jail cell" look. My Mom was Super Mom and took care of everything. I wish I would have done more to help out. Maybe then I'd feel a little more prepared. The poor kid is going to get plenty of blank stares from Mom when he's crying and I don't have the faintest idea how to fix him.

Finances. This is always a concern and somehow we've managed to this point. I have no idea how we'll make ends meet once the baby arrives. I'm hoping to stay home or work very part-time once we move back to Washington, but I don't know if that's feasible. I detest the idea of putting a child in daycare. Having willing family and friends help out once in awhile is one thing. Daycare is another... and out of the question.

Moving. I get super psychotic and stressed when it's time for a move. We never moved growing up. Not even once. I've moved a couple times since being out of my parent's house, but it still feels like a new and unnecessary experience to me every time. We'll be moving twice this year. One of those being in a little over a month. I feel completely useless with the process since I can't do any heavy lifting this time around. Don't worry, this totally makes the stressful part 10 times worse.

In addition to these rational fears - I've been having a slew of other irrational fears. I try not to feed into them, but my subconscious is a little more accommodating and often goes there when I'm sleeping. The most recent example:

Appearance. Obviously outer beauty has taken a hit. A pretty severe one. Day by day my body is becoming more distorted and awkward. I'm tired all the time and most times leave the house looking like the walking dead. Makeup wouldn't even begin to help this mess. Last night I had a horrible dream that my husband met a girl at the Institute in Bellingham and that he was leading a double life while devising a plan of how to get rid of me. I know the dream was mostly unfounded (**he has to have days where he reminisces about single life, before he had a cranky wife criticizing his every move), but I woke up feeling awful. Who wants to think about their husband leading a double life, especially someone like Alex who works overtime to live morally?

I'll be pleased once the vivid dreams stop and I can muster some state of mental normalness, which isn't saying much.

On a more productive note, Alex is taking his WEST-B test as I type. This is one of the requirements for admission to the Masters in Teaching program at Western. I was so pleased to get a call from him this morning on his way to the testing center - bright and early with time to spare! Thank you Teri/Maren/Steve for getting him there. It sounds like he's having a great time in Washington and has had some excellent weather to boot. I won't lie, I'm a little (or a lot) jealous, but I'm glad he was able to make the trip alone. He's needed a vacation for awhile. I hope re-entry isn't too hard on him.

I'm going to take myself on a date today. I've wanted to see the new Wolverine movie since it came out. Alex saw it while I was in Washington and said he'd go again with me to fulfill a promise, but I'd really rather go alone and not waste the money since he didn't really enjoy it the first time. He did, however, love the new "Star Trek" movie. Maybe I should see that one. I've heard it's great for Trekkies and non-Trekkies alike. Or there's the new Pixar movie, "Up". So many choices. One thing's for sure, I am going to a movie this afternoon and I will have the biggest box of Dots I can find. They sound so good right now!

Have a great weekend everyone...

Trying it on for Size

Alex and I have finally agreed on a name that we both like:

Emmett Kelly Booth

Named after one of Alex's favorite childhood role models - Emmett Kelly, the circus clown!


Okay, okay.. we're kidding. Alex hates clowns with a passion. They scare him even now. (Sorry Teri, we couldn't help ourselves.)

The real name is Patrick Allen Booth. We're trying it out and hoping it fits once our son is born. The Patrick is just because we like it and the Allen was Alex's Grandpa Horn's middle name. My only issue with Patrick is that I don't like shortened version, Pat, for a boy. I'm hoping he won't be inclined to go with that when he's older. If he is I may have to pull out some old SNL "Pat" skits so he can understand my aversion to the name Pat. While he's still marinating (in the womb) I've been referring to him as "Patrick Fetus"... mostly because Alex always thinks I'm talking about some other Patrick when I don't specify. I promise we'll drop the "fetus" part once he's born.

As of last Saturday I'm 23 weeks along, which means I'm definitely sporting the belly (thankfully, it's a hot trend here in Provo) and sleeping much worse. Back pain is my latest symptom, but the nausea is 100% gone and I haven't had too much trouble with heartburn. Oh, and the kicking. There were several weeks where I didn't notice much movement and thought maybe something was wrong... but now I'm kicked, jabbed, and poked on a daily basis. Apparently the little guy really likes to dance. He's constantly doing the Mexican Hat Dance on my bladder. Not awesome. Alex has discovered that the baby responds to belly rubbing, so often he'll hold his hand on once side and rub the other to make the baby kick. It always cute to feel the swift kick back and see the look of satisfaction on Alex's face.

Aside from the baby. Today we both have a day off for Memorial Day and we're bound and determined to enjoy it. Alex has to work later today and I need to run a few errands, but otherwise we're going to get some R&R before going to a No Doubt concert tonight. I actually completely forgot about the concert until just now. Love those hormones!

Hope everyone is enjoying their day off... and if you're working, I hope you're getting holiday pay (yeah baby, time and a half!).

The End... or a New Beginning?

Sorry - We've been out of town. I meant to get the first part of this posted before we left.

Last Thursday (May 14) my Grandma passed away - she was almost 97 years old.

I've been anticipating this day for a long time and although part of me is sad, the majority is happy for her. My Grandma and Grandpa lived on a farm in Idaho for many years. After my Grandpa passed away (40+ years ago) my Grandma continued to live on the farm alone. She never remarried. I would bet she didn't even consider dating. Eventually it got to where she could no longer live alone, and she moved in with my Aunt Sharen. She lived with my Aunt for several years until it became evident that she really needed to be in a nursing home where she could be cared for full-time. The last time I saw my Grandma I had a feeling it would be my last. We were in Idaho for my sister's wedding last year and stopped by to visit her. Even though I recall that visit vividly, the memories that come to mind when I think of my Grandma are much older. The way she was when I was a child.

Going to Grandma's house meant hot weather, slip n' slide, croquet, playing with her ink stamps, large family gatherings, watermelon, sliding down the stairs (we tried to do this in stealthy fashion as it was not allowed) and lots of home cooked meals with fresh fruit and orange juice (orange juice was a novelty when we were little). It also meant avoiding the canal and not going in the basement because surely we would get our hand caught in the wringer. In all of my visits to Grandma's house I never saw the wringer. In fact, I didn't even know what a wringer was, but I was afraid of it just the same. At the end of our visits, Grandma would always wait by the kitchen window and wave goodbye until we were out of sight. She loved her kids and grandchildren.

Although our trip to Idaho this weekend was a more somber event - it was great to see the family. As in the WHOLE FAMILY. My Aunt, Dad and Uncle arranged a nice service and graveside dedication for Grandma. The flowers on her casket were beautiful. Grandma would have loved them. More than that though, I think she would have loved that the family was together again, enjoying each other's company and eating good food.

Here are a few pics from the weekend.

On Saturday a few of us ate lunch at Craigo's. It's my favorite all you can eat pizza place in Rexburg/Idaho Falls. The dessert pizza is AWESOME!!


Some pictures from the graveside dedication.


Grandma's house. "The farm" consisted of the house plus 40 acres on each side of the house (80 total).


Lunch after the service.. and of course, a good chunk of the Miller family.

Mother's Day and The Dancing Kung Fu Master

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

This is my first Mother's Day on the other side. Technically I'm not a Mom yet, but most people don't seem to get caught up on the technicality. It's like I've been inducted into some kind of secret society. The Mommy Club. The fact that it involves being appreciated, getting gifts, and having a day off with lots of time to nap (guilt-free), I'm totally okay with it. Most of our Mother's Day festivities took place yesterday. We went to Grandma and Grandpa Booth's house in the afternoon for a visit and brought Grandma some roses and homemade soap. She loved the gifts, but insisted I take half of the roses home since I didn't have any.



I've always thought flowers were a waste of money... and if I had a beautiful flower bed, I would probably still feel that way, but I've loved having these around. I may have to start encouraging the flower purchases. At least once in awhile... maybe not around major holidays. Costco was a mad house yesterday. We almost didn't make it out of the floral section alive. I was sure someone was going to gouge my eyes out and nab our bouquet. It was crazy...

So, for my gift Alex gave me free reign to spend some money on baby clothes. I've been doing really well - lots of window shopping, but nothing purchased. It felt good to finally bring a few things home. Here's the loot so far...


Most of the smaller sizes (0-6 months) are from the D.I. thrift store. If the baby is anything like me, he'll bulk up fast and be super-fatty by 6 months... but then again, if he's anything like Alex he'll take a little longer. We'll just have to see.

Speaking of baby, he's been making his presence known in a major way. He's got some serious dance moves. When he's not doing the cha-cha on my bladder, he likes to practice his kung fu skills and kick the crap out of my stomach. Alex was finally able to feel the kicks yesterday. It was exciting for him. Now he pushes on my belly all the time trying to get the baby to kick back and sometimes the baby obliges. The kicks seem to be more regular these last couple days, so my chances of sleeping well are getting slimmer and slimmer. Otherwise, I feel great and can't wait to see the little guy in 5 months. Hopefully by then we'll have a name, but we'll keep you posted.

To our Moms:
We love you.
Thank you for everything you've done for us and continue to do for us now. We're so grateful to have Moms that taught us right, even though we didn't always choose to listen.

Mom, Thank you for teaching me to see other's people's point of view and to understand them, and for being patient all of those years while I was figuring things out (slowly).

Teri, Thank you for teaching Alex the importance of working hard and that women are equally as important as men (even though "girls don't get to do anything cool").

We hope you both have a wonderful Mother's Day!!

What's in a name?

I am ready to toss Alex out the window.
I spent a couple hours this evening looking at baby names to figure out what I like, what I don't like, etc. I was so excited to finally find some names that I thought were nice and respectable. So, I shared with Alex once he got home. Bad idea. He burst my bubble in record time. I'm realizing we have a big problem. I like more traditional names and he prefers the obscure. If he had it his way the baby would have a Georgian name. (We've since axed that idea). It shouldn't bother me, but everytime he comes up with a new name I just get that much more annoyed. I'm picturing our poor kid 10 years from now getting totally harassed because his parent's gave him the most ridiculous name ever, and the kids at school can't help but make fun.

I realize there are plenty of kids running around with these names, I just don't want my son to be one of them....

Here is Alex's list (these are mostly A-C):
Beckett
Baldwin
Ballard
Barrett
Brooks
Benjamin
Berkley
Brady
Brodie
Cameron
Campbell
Carey

Here is my list:
Colin
Eli
Jesse
Justin
Jeffrey
Weston (Wes)

Mine are definitely less exciting... but I feel safer going with more traditional.

So, anyone whose been in the baby naming boat (or those who haven't), how do we remedy this problem??

I'm sure by tomorrow I won't like any of my names either.

The results are in!

In the words of our ultrasound tech, our baby has "a package".

IT'S A BOY!

Here are some pics from the ultrasound. They aren't super amazing, but they are proof that there's a growing baby in my tummy - and he has Alex's legs!

"X" marks the spot... I'm not sure how this pic translates to a boy, but our tech assured us that we were definitely having a boy.


Legs. I realize leg pictures aren't super exciting, but this one cracks me up because these are totally Alex legs! This is probably a good thing considering we've got some funky legs in my family.

Arms and Hands.


And last, a face shot. Looks like baby has a strong resemblance to Skeletor (face is on the right side).


I was relieved to hear the baby doesn't appear to have any birth defects and is growing as he should. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Now, to answer your next question. No, we don't have any names picked out yet. You'll have to tolerate us referring to baby as "baby" until we agree on a name. Sorry.

Priceless.

This weekend I managed to pull off the surprise of the century - an impromptu trip to Washington for a friend's bridal shower and my sister's graduation - unannounced! I don't think I've ever managed to pull something off as good as this.

Victim #1: Alicia
My family has known Alicia since she was like 3, which was 20+ years ago. She's finally getting hitched (yay!) and had her bridal shower Saturday afternoon. I didn't think I could make it... but then I kept getting a nagging feeling like I really needed to be there. So, with some help from Mom & Dad (Thank you!) I scheduled a last minute flight and flew in that morning. Her reaction was PRICELESS! I wish we had gotten a shot of her when she first saw me. Her mouth seriously dropped to the floor. Mission Accomplished. Unfortunately we didn't catch that on film, but here are some pics my Mom took later. Try not to get distracted by me looking half dead. I spent so much time planning the getting there part, I kinda' forgot about the looking cute part...

Me and the bride-to-be.


Alicia's Oma rubbing my magic genie belly. I'm not sure if she was granted any wishes... but maybe it's good luck at the very least.


Alicia opening our gift. It's very domestic, but adorable.


Me modeling Alicia's gift to me. This girl should be a personal shopper. I love this diaper bag. It's just big enough, but not too big. Has lots of pockets. Is neutral.. and way cute. She knows my style.


After the shower I went back to my parent's house and did one of my favorite things...

Yup, that's me napping under that uber-comfy blanket. Shortly thereafter it was bedtime.

And then it was Sunday. Time for:

Victim #2: Lynda
My youngest sister, Lynda graduated from Digipen Institute of Technology on Sunday. She had asked me months ago if I was going to come. At the time it didn't seem feasible, but again, I felt like I needed to be there. How perfect that both events were the same weekend? So, with some ultra-sneakiness on my Mom's part, we were able to secure an extra ticket to complete the surprise. The cover was almost blown when Lynda overheard my Mom talking to her friend about having an extra person in tow, but luckily she didn't think much of it after the fact. As I expected, Lynda's reaction was a lot more subdued than Alicia's, but she was surprised nonetheless. Here are some pictures from her graduation.

Me, Diane, Heather and Justine before the graduation.


The graduates making their entrance... and Lynda beaming in the middle. I can't even imagine the huge sense of accomplishment she's feeling right now.


I think this was taken when the Chairman was speaking... we were all trying to figure out exactly what he was trying to say. Very confusing.


The happy graduate. Congratulations, Lynda!


The family with our happy graduate. Right after this was taken I saw another familiar face - Sister Chambers. I chatted with her and Bishop for a minute (their son, Justin graduated as well) and then my family made our way to a deserted table upstairs. There were way too many people crammed into a small space... kinda' made me batty.


After graduation we had dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory with Tom's family (Lynda's boyfriend). We were there for almost 3 hours! But, it was great for the parent's to meet and for us to get some food in our bellies.


That was Sunday.

Today (Monday) I packed my bag, paid a quick visit to Michele and flew back home. Unfortunately I didn't have more time this trip to see everyone. I desperately need to pay a visit to Shelton to see Shannon!

For now, it's bedtime.

One more thing, on a mostly unrelated note... Tomorrow is my ULTRASOUND!!
I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or girl that's been residing down below. Whatever it is, it's been growing and moving. Check out my 20-week belly. Does anyone have any guesses??

Stay Tuned. I'll post tomorrow night when I get home with the results.