For Maren... some things I remember about dating.. and some things I'd like to forget

Let me start by saying I don't have super amazing dating advice. If I had it my way, I would have avoided the dating scene altogether, unfortunately it's nearly impossible when you're trying to find the right guy to spend forever with.

Dating tends to be awkward and unpredictable. I'm a planner. I don't like putting myself into new situations, especially when I can't predict exactly what is going to happen from start to finish. I always tried to prep myself way in advance. I'd go over every scenario, how things should go (ideally), and what the resulting outcomes would be. I thought this would help me avoid those awkward moments, but it never worked. Something horrible was always bound to happen. (**On a positive note, this makes for great storytelling later and helps you appreciate "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Not as Bad as the Others" that much more when he finally stumbles into your life. You'll pretty much be indebted to him for the rest of your life for rescuing you.**)

I thought I'd blocked out everything from my early dating years, but somehow there's one date I can recall quite vividly.... here it is for your reading pleasure (sorry, it's mildly icky):

On one of my first dates, I was invited to have dinner with my date and his family. Not a big deal for most, but I was really shy and meeting people's parents always freaked me out. Aside from the usual dating jitters, I had a few concerns.

Concern #1: What if they have fish? In the past, I wouldn't touch fish. The idea of eating it, seeing it or smelling it made me want to puke. Blech! Thankfully, they served chicken.

Concern #2: What if I start my period? Periods are a major downer and often start at the most inopportune times. After reasoning with myself and determining the probability of starting was pretty low, I left, no longer worried. I arrived at his house 20 minutes later and almost immediately my period started. Luckily I figured this out before sitting on his mom's nice, white couch.

His Mom finished dinner and we all sat down to eat. I dished up without any trouble and went to cut my chicken and it happened. The chicken developed superhero abilities and flew off my plate, landed on the floor, and continued on to the furthest corner of the room. It was pretty impressive really, but in context, quite embarrassing. At this moment, I was feeling really klutzy and stupid. I looked up assuming everyone would be appalled at what had just occurred, but they were completely oblivious. They didn't even see it happen. I sat and waited a moment, contemplating what to do... should I pick up the chicken, potentially causing a small scene and unwanted attention or should I just take another piece and give them the impression I inhaled the last one? Neither. I nudged my date and told him quietly what had happened as not to draw any additional attention to myself. No luck. They all wanted to know what I was whispering about and soon found out when they saw the chicken waiting patiently on the floor.

After dinner, I ran to the restroom to change out the goods. In the process I noticed they didn't have a trash can in the bathroom. I hadn't discovered tampons yet, so the waste was a little more substantial than what flushing would allow. I was worried they might see me carry it out (they were still gathered in the kitchen surrounding the garbage can), instead I wrapped it as tightly as possible, and proceeded to flush the little bundle. From what I could tell, it made it's journey all the way down without stopping, so I left. Later in the evening, another member of the family used the facilities and I quickly realized the toilet had, in fact, clogged. Not just a little clog, a MAJOR clog. That thing was not going to budge. He was blamed for the incident and promptly asked to fix it. I was sure my contribution was going to float back to the top, so I waited, in agony. It took him most of forever to get it unclogged - to the point that they threatened to have him take the toilet apart. Eventually it broke loose and I was spared the ultimate embarrassment of having to explain why I flushed that down the toilet.

From experiences like this one and other life experience, I have formulated the following advice about dating:

1) Do something fun that will be enjoyable regardless in the event that your date turns out to be a dud.

2) Plan dates with a purpose. Dinner is great, but may leave you with lots of awkward silences. If you have a service oriented date, it serves as a wonderful distraction if your date isn't much of a conversationalist.

3) Group dates are a must. They are the best of both worlds - getting to know your date without the added social pressure or temptations you might have by being alone.

4) Always keep a stash of feminine goods and ibuprofen on hand, just in case. Whatever you do, do NOT flush the goods, unless they're intended for flushing.

5) None of that mushy stuff... you're too young to get into that mess. Save the kissy face for later. The kissing bank is closed!

6) ..and most important, stick to your standards so that one day, you can be married here:


P.S. Here are a few other random date and non-date moments I'd like to forget (you were there for most):

**Guy at work asked me to lunch, refused to take "no" for an answer - I tried 3 times (in one day) to decline. I finally gave in and we and sat there in near silence the whole time. Maybe the sound of us chewing our food was entertaining enough. I say, AWKWARD! Later he asked for my number - Sorry, but no.

**Getting extremely sick to my stomach just prior to a date and having to excuse myself several times during the date to avoid a very embarrassing (and explosive) situtation. Imodium can only do so much.

**Farting audibly in the middle of Family Home Evening surrounded by my future in-laws. Not very lady-like, but thank you to Austin for exclaiming, "That was awesome!"

**Having to decline a good night kiss because I had thrown up 20 minutes before.. and trying to cover it up by telling the guy I was "a woman of integrity" and he'd have to wait.

**Having friends over and a major bat in the cave. Alex was nice enough to tell me as soon as they left. "By the way, you have a booger." Thanks, bud.

**Walking down the stairs at a relatives house with a plate full of food and cup of red punch, my feet slipped out from under me, I fell onto my back and laid there watching horrified, in slow motion, as all of my food and the full cup of punch flew up over me and back down, showering me and the floor. Not a great memory for me, but I'm sure it was funny for the 8 other people that saw it happen.